Tuesday, November 30, 2010

The Ugly Truth

     As Thanksgiving approached this year I found myself wanting. Not for a single thing, but wanting all the same.

     My pain is eleven months old today, so thanksgiving wasn't full of that all-consuming can't-eat-can't-sleep-I-want-to-wake-up-from-this-dream-right-now-please heavy feeling. It was a normal Thanksgiving on the outside. Even on the inside for me it was a fairly normal Thanksgiving. I didn't eat a single bite of any dessert, but other than that, normal.
     Leading up to Thanksgiving was another story. I was reading blogs and entering giveaways on blogs and everywhere people wanted an answer to the question "What are you thankful for this year?" What the heck, world? Why did that question make me vacillate between bitterness and tears? 

     I try so hard to go out into the world every day and make up for what it is missing with that sweetest of beautiful girls gone. I smile at people everywhere I go. I am even more extra-nice to people everywhere I go whether it's shopping or driving or hauling kids or whatever. There's a big void to fill and I feel an absolute duty to do it because I am so blessed to have known Victoria.

     I still feel bitterness creeping around me. Me alone. Me, all by myself and mad - so mad. And I feel guilty about it because I know it isn't how I should  feel. Except should can really bite me right now because things are not as they should be.

     I'm not the only one and I know it. There are handfuls of us still carrying around the sometimes-empty spot which used to be so full. Of course there are moments of rejoicing over great memories. But they do not totally fill up the empty spot for me. Do any of you ever feel bitter and angry about it? Or am I the only jerk who can't process this properly. I feel like I am failing my course in grief, failing myself, and failing the people around me.

     So there you go. There is the ugly truth.


  1. Grief is not a brief journey. We struggle, we cry, we have highs and lows, we pray for peace, and hope we are a better person for what we have gone through.
    As time passes we might feel uncomfortable about showing the pain and talking about it. I think people hold a lot pain deep inside and we think they are fine. Why do we think we are supposed to "get past" the pain instead of continuing to talk about it?
    No matter how much time has passed we should be free to feel whatever comes to us. Even if it has been 42 years we have time when we just have to cry.

  2. I just want to reach through the computer and hug you! Oh my gosh, there is NOTHING wrong with you!! Bitterness and anger are a normal part of grieving. Grief is a lonely thing and it's easy to feel so isolated. Please don't be so hard on yourself. Drop me a line if you ever need a friendly ear.