Saturday, February 20, 2010

I Can't Understand

Today I waited in the parking deck. I chose an unpopular area facing outward so I would be as secluded as possible. There was a song on the radio. It doesn't even matter which one, does it? Anyway... I started to cry the crazy cry. The tears and sobs just didn't stop coming. I was just sitting there, in my blurry Saturday morning private escape, making deals with God he refused to acknowledge. Sounds like the work of a crazy lady, doesn't it?

Someone broke into my world. A little black car drove up beside me. I finally looked at it, something I feel compelled to do when someone parks next to me. The driver looked shocked when she saw my puffy, red, tear streaked face. She rolled down her window. I rolled down mine. "Is it VJ?" she asked. I nodded.

Did you send her? I needed the reminder to be thankful for all the blessings I still have. It didn't break my sadness though. It clings to me today in a desperate embrace.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Betsy McCall Will Be Your Doll

Lots of people enjoy doing the fun things they did as children. If there are children around and you can pretend it's for them, even better! Who remembers paper dolls? I do! If you don't, maybe you should go ask someone who Eddie Haskell is.

So, I found this website with ten years worth of Betsy McCall paper doll pages. They are cute and fun and you can print them right at home. Some of you clever gals may even decide to use them in frames and whatnot to decorate a bedroom, bathroom, kitchen, or dollhouse. Maybe you will plaster them to the side of your car. Or your face! Okay, yeah. So have fun with these.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

1,000 Tiny Little Kisses

Yesterday when the snow landed all over my face I accepted it as a thousand little kisses. For some reason yesterday, things were okay. It felt so good. I could feel happy without feeling bitterness creep in. Don't mistake this for lack of sadness. I am still the most disappointed I have ever been in my life. Somehow yesterday I managed to embrace the good without repercussion.

Your mom is so great, but you already knew it. When I told my mom yesterday about how she is still hosting the party after the dance we shared our celebration of what a one of a kind family you have. I know it will be good for your mom to host and she is bringing comfort to so many of us by accepting us/our children into her world like she has always done. I have been learning where you learned to be such an organically loving person. Wow - what a family. I wish I had learned this much about them under different circumstances. I'm learning to move my own feelings of inadequacy out of the way so I can reach out to people more. I'm thinking less about how they will measure me and find me failing and more about what I can do for them or with them.

Tonight I will take as many kids as I can fit in my van to dinner, then to the dance. After the dance the cool kids are going to your house. When the party is over the guys are all spending the night together again.

P.S. More cupcake treats for your house tonight, with a few Oreo type thrown in.

P.P.S. We got fifteen inches of snow last night! The Snowball will be snowy this year.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Ice, Ice, Baby

     Auntie Kitten is at it again, kiddies! A little back story to start: One time we were at Great Wolf Lodge and some toilets were having issues. The maintenance crew brought giant buckets of ice and flushed them down the toilets, clearing the lines. It was icy magic, I tell ya'!

     Fast forward to today at my house. The toilet seemed a little hesitant to do its' thing. I remembered the ice lesson and poured a lot of ice into my toilet. Guess what? I had a toilet FULL of water and ice. I know you're wondering what I did next. I did what any logical person would do. I flushed it. Then I stood there saying "Oh noooooo. Oh noooooo. Lather, rinse, repeat a couple of times. My husband and son were of very little help. They were kind enough to laugh at me and tell their friends, respectively. I poured hot water in the toilet. Three times. It just welded the ice together.

     I offered to make ice cream in there, but sadly, I had no takers. Weirdos.

Monday, February 1, 2010

I Got Nothin'

It has been one month plus one day. It feels fresh every day. It feels like forever. It hurts and it doesn't seem to be getting 'better'. Sure, there are moments when I think about the wonderful things and they fill me with warmth and even laughter. The problem is even the warmth turns cold and when the laughter fades away the blinding, stinging pain is still right there with me. I do not know what to do.

Now two days because I sat staring at this last night, but did not post it. I am slowly giving up on wishing for this to all be a dream because I have never had a dream last this long before. But if I could wake up and find this was a terrible dream of some kind, I would be thrilled.