When Odd Things Happen To Okay People

     People who know me can hardly believe I was at "The Mall" yesterday because, well, I loathe shopping malls. They're so disappointing. What happened to malls where you could roam freely? Instead, I feel like I am at a carnival full of seedy drifters, all of them calling out to me from their booths, aggressively trying to pull me in to their assorted livelihoods. It's really anything but charming, and I resent it. I have no need for knock-off sunglasses, brittle iPhone covers, things my boys could fly about the house, or $300 flattening irons. If I do want to buy giant character slippers or sea salt scrub, I'm sure I can find these things through conventional shopping methods.

    Shopping in a mall just isn't what it used to be. There are no more gift shops, no more record stores, no more baked potato bar. It makes me sigh - and miss the 80's. Remember when the whole walkway in the mall was empty space to take up with a gaggle of your girlfriends and giggle about what boys you just saw? When you could rock your new raspberry scented Swatch watch and you wouldn't wave your arm and hit someone trying to coerce you into letting them 'thread' your brows because there was no such thing as threading your brows? Yeah, me too.

     So I went to the mall yesterday because I needed my makeup, and Lancome is in gift time at Macys. When all the planets align in this way, I go to the mall. It happens once, maybe twice a year. Honest to God, I can not remember the last time I went to the mall - I think it was September, and I had to make a run to Aeropostale for jeans for #5. I almost made it to June, people. One more day and I would have made it to June.

     The mall offered a back-to-the future type surprise for me, because Taco Bell was reinstated in the food court, after quite a few years of banishment. Makes me wonder if McDonalds will be next. There was also a Burger joint where the fish joint used to be. A bunch of stores were moved around and I saw the place with the ugly cupcakes, which had taken over the spot where they used to sell the not-so-great cookies, which before that was a Godiva I am still grieving - was replaced by an Aveda! We now have about 19 places in the mall to purchase beauty products. More if you count the little carnival booths in the walkways.


     My point, if I ever had one, was this: The mall was chock full of surprises for me yesterday. The best one was at a place called Yankee Candles. If you don't have one, it's a place where they sell overpriced candles and lots of people buy them because they can. Well guess what your house can smell like now, thanks to the geniuses who obviously ran over from the genius bar at the Apple store across the hall? Now, and I can't even type this without chuckling to myself, they sell "Man Candles."

Here, for your pleasure, is a preview of the Man Candles:

Man Candles: Man Town, 2x4, Riding Mower & First Down

Man Candles, In case the scent names aren't enough, you see a remote and masking tape and a clipboard with kisses and hugs drawn on it. 

     A person couldn't make this stuff up, it's just that good. Now, who wants to know what "Man Town" smells like? I was a little afraid. But if I hear news it's a combo of wet dog, dial soap, and chips and salsa with a tinge of bacon I will not be all that surprised.