Saturday, April 6, 2013

It's a Cold and it's a Broken Hallelujah

     I was just standing there in the lobby of the Palace Theatre with all the other Leonard Cohen concert-goers, minding my own business. Really, I was. At door three there was the start of the merchandise area. There was a table with a black cloth on it. I think the only purpose the table served was to keep people out of the area. There was nothing on it, and you could not even see the stuff from that spot. So I stood there waiting for my husband. And you know how intermissions are, people sort of materialize and then dissolve right in front of you. And that's just what happened on Saturday night.

     I turned my head and I saw her. This young girl, with her date, were standing right in front of me. And she looked so much like Victoria my head started spinning. She was looking at me, too, and I smiled at her. But I felt a little... uncomfortable? nostalgic? sad? thrilled? All of those things? She smiled back, and oh my gosh she tilted her head at me in that way that only Victoria did. I looked away because I needed to find my composure. Thankfully, in just a few short seconds, my husband was back from his trip to the bar. Unlike all the other strangers that night, the girl and her date had not dissolved to be replaced by new strangers. I look from her to Luis and he agreed. You know that language you have with people who get you? How you can say more by looking at things than with words? Then he said "Except her eyes are bluer." Which is true since Victoria's eyes, they were hazel. 

     The girl was so close to us and she was looking at us again. Or still. So I told her "You remind us very much of someone we love." And then I thought I was going to lose it. Because she gave me a sheepish smile and there went the last little bit of my composure. I had to turn around to the miraculously empty wall space behind me. My husband was able to quickly bring the conversation somewhere else.

     I can't even see my screen as I type this right now because there's all this liquid between my eyeballs and the computer screen. I can hardly breathe. People say it gets easier. In some ways it does. In other ways, though, it never changes. And, son-of-a-gun you never know when it's going to happen. Can't plan for it, brace for it, resolve against it, it just happens.  Seeing that girl made me feel so much joy - and so much pain.  In the middle of a perfect night, one of my favorite events in my life, there she was. So I am going to say it was no accident, me seeing her Saturday night. 


  1. Congratulations! I nominated you for a Liebster!

    The Wondering Brain

  2. I found you from my blog comment (hilarious!) and I'm so drawn into this story. I don't know the origin and I did read some other posts where you used "Victoria" as a tag. I think I have had this feeling before and you describe it so well. I'm coming back and back!

  3. It's funny what will bring up the memories. Of course whenever I drive past my cousins former house I think of her, or when I see her kids on facebook, yes. But my wedding anniversary is coming up, and my mom did a time capsule with surveys from everyone at my shower. My cousin was there, and I remember her saying to me that she couldn't wait until I read hers. She died suddenly a couple years ago, and now just over a month from now I will open that survey. I dread it....but I can't wait too. It's so weird to not be sure how to feel. I know many people filled them out, and for a long time I couldn't read them all, now I am kind of only thinking about that one.

    I believe in everything happening for a reason.

    1. So Shari, I'm very curious - what was in that time capsule from your cousin?

      Hugs to you today, wherever you are.