I Hate to Damage the Psyche of a Good Chair

     The last few weeks have been a blur of what to eat/not eat, what needs washed, dried, folded, put away, wiped up, wiped down, swept, mopped, scrubbed, mowed, pulled, watered, filled, drained, heated, cooled, painted, sanded, waxed, taken, dropped off, heard, written, crossed off, let in, fed, taken out, walked, hugged, ripped out, replaced, straightened, shined, polished, caulked, replaced, checked, adjusted, verified, etc. I bet yours have been about the same. 

Gratuitous photo of Audrey with her buntings. Because I know some of you require pictures.

     The most difficult part for me? Was the eating/ not eating. I had a health scare, and I have the all-clear from my doctor now. I feel like I can breathe again. But saying I had a health scare makes me feel like I am downplaying how I felt by about a kajillion. I started eating clean, eating what I should eat for my kidneys, to be precise. 

     Let me just tell you that in my whole life I have always eaten a lot of junk. Not lots of McDonalds or something - but lots of sugar went into this container of awesomeness. I was downing way more soft drinks than I want to admit. I swear there were days when I drank ten cans of Pepsi. No lie. 

     Add to that chocolate. Lots and lots of chocolate. And other candy. Every day. Many a day. And the baking. And the no-bake stuff. And the desserts, which are official. All that other stuff was unofficial, in case you were wondering. 

     Have I mentioned cheese? Because I really, really, really like cheese. Really. A lot. Times ten. 

     All that stuff (and oh-so-much more) was bad for me. And I stopped it. And I was making myself miserable. Also, I was hoping for a miracle when I had my next blood tests. I was hungry and sick of berries, cucumbers, cherries, celery, watermelon, onion, garlic, and whatever else was on the super-kidney list. I may have been feeling pretty sorry for myself. And very much afraid. I'm not good at admitting it when I'm afraid. I just get cranky. This way nobody can tell if I'm just my regular cranky or afraid. Great plan, isn't it!?

     Like I said, the blood tests all came back improved with everything in normal range, so it paid off. I lost nearly 30 pounds in those seven weeks, and my thyroid is now doing better than it was. It's still not good though, just improved. 

     My point, if I ever had one was "The last several weeks were miserable for me. Now I am feeling a great sense of relief." 

     On top of the great sense of relief, I am also feeling better in general. The pain I have had all of my life? The daily, constant, inescapable pain I always had in my neck and shoulders? It's gone! I'm going to attribute it to eating clean. You really should try it. You will probably like it! 

     I will still have occasional treats. Key word: occasional. Meaning not all day every day. (This note is more to remind myself than for you. I am sure you know what occasional means.)

  To celebrate my new-found peace and health I did a little shopping of the Craigslist variety. We agree we want a large table in our dining room. We want a large table which we can make extra extra large. My goal is a table which starts at nine feet and can expand to fifteen feet. We will use it at nine feet for day to day and pull it into the long room and run it and other tables all the way from the stove to the fireplace. 

Which would make this the 'before' photo

And make this the 'during' photo.

        Sorry Charlie, there is no after photo. Not yet. 

     Craigslist did net me these beautiful chairs from Yugoslavia. They are quite old, they are sturdy, they are comfortable, and best of all, they are mine.

    They don't match the table at all. But I do not care. Wait, that's a lie. I care. I am not sure if I can paint them yet. I know I can paint them. I mean I am not sure if I can do that to the chairs. I do not want to damage their psyche.  For now the table will be covered with a tablecloth. But I love that table so much that I like to look at it. So the chairs may have to take paint. We'll live with it a while and get to know them. I do not have to decide right now.

In Summary: 

• I feel better
• Chairs

  *To read more about our Ryan Homes Ravenna click the "Our House" button at the top of the page.    

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Paint Chip Notebooks

Paint Chips to Mini Notebooks

Who has a clever mother? That's right, this girl, right here!

     My mom came over yesterday with these little notebooks she made from some paint samples we had picked up some time ago. Since most people love little notebooks, this seems like a really cool thing everyone can do and give to all the list-makers in our lives.

     She used regular old paper and figured out how/where to print the name so she could personalize the sheets of paper for me. You wouldn't have to do that, of course. How awesome? You could make them as thin or thick as you like.

     I think you all have some getting busy to do!

Help Me to Help Her

     I can not help but fall in love with beautiful old dressers like this one. She has so much potential, don't you think? Look at those legs, those delicate little wheels, the perfect hardware, the lines! Look at that awesome piece on top. it actually screws off from the back like a mirror does. I took it off to clean it when I first brought it home.

     The thing is I am not one of those people with the gift of vision. I can tell she has great potential, but I do not know how to bring it out. I can see a great scroll for graphics, but I can not figure out what to put there. There's even a place on the top drawer for a headline or title. Or maybe something else, totally different.

She's looking for love - in my face

In order to demonstrate my pure genius and lack of true artistic talent I will show you the u.s.p.s. envelope they used to give me my stamps and postcards, which I tore apart so I could trace these elements from the computer screen. 

     Please do not let my inability to even trace deter you from sharing your genius ideas with me. Somehow I can manage to execute since I have a cricut machine with Make The Cut software and a printer.

     My goal is to use free graphics. Maybe from Karen at The Graphics Fairy.  

     I will most likely be linking up and asking for help anywhere I can think of because I want this to be really great. I'm going to try to find some of my favorite pieces and track down the people who did them and ask for advice. I don't know if any of them will actually come to see this and offer suggestions, but it can't hurt to ask, right? 

   

Arms and Hearts

     Lately I have been here a lot. In this space, observing people. I see my children grown up and growing away. Away from me. Well, away from needing me like I became accustomed to being needed. Sure, they still need me for things. They need someone to roll their eyes at (because, hey, mom is annoying or just plain weird sometimes) or someone to feed them. Sometimes I still get to do things like laundry and giving them rides. They probably see those things as the biggest favors I do for them. But when I get to bring out their warm, fresh, soft clothes I don't feel tasked. I feel love. When I get to give them a ride and have their full company for those few minutes, it's warm and familiar. Even if we don't talk, there's something so enveloping about being in a car alone with someone you love. Hearing the same music, witnessing the same scenery, breathing the same cool car air.

     Lately I miss those days when they were younger and had to be with me all the time. The days when all of them would have to pile in the van and listen to the same radio. The days before iPods and cell phones. The days when a Joe Scruggs cassette tape in the car was pure bliss and we all sang along. They were always surrounding me like their own little gang back then and it was heavenly.  They were so eager to receive anything I was offering. Now they have their own cars and their own music and their own interests and friends who are not each other and me. Any one of them is capable of going off on their own and not needing me for - I was going to say an extended period of time, but the truth is - forever.

     I still need my mom all the time. I need her to help me keep my emotional, moral compass. Agree with me that right is right and wrong is wrong. See the same injustices, or show me what she sees differently. Help me with scary stuff (which is anything I have never done before) Tell me it's okay that I leave so many projects somewhere between 85-99 percent complete. Somewhere, deep in the heart of me, I know my children still look to me for advice, for pointers, pro tips, if you will. But some days I still want to scoop them up into my arms and just rock them to sleep. Some days I still want to be their everything. Just because I love them more than anything in the world.

     I miss those days when these things were so important:

• Little Mermaid nightgowns & bedding
• who got the most m&ms
• Osh Kosh socks - but they could never, must never, match
• Cowboy vests
• Beauty & the Beast sheets, comforter, canopy
• traumatic wedgies
• Love You Forever, Roger Poger, Owen and his fuzzy blanket
• trips to the library 
• Disney Store
• Johnny Rockets
• Dairy Queen Cakes
• school field trips
• season passes to Fiesta Texas or Geauga Lake

     These things just don't hold any power now. Except in memories. In memories they are powerful beyond words. Okay, sometimes m&ms can still be important.  There is no more urgency when someone needs a drink of juice. They do  not need, or even want me to fix their hair. Or even my opinion on how their hair should be cut or styled, if you can believe it!

     I no longer have a first grader, a preschooler, a toddler and a newborn. I have a student with a job, a mortgage banker, an employed guy who also takes care of neighborhood pets, houses and yards, and another student with a job who has decided to apply to become a mortgage banker as well.

     I miss the buzzing hive of little voices and all those sets of eyes and ears made me feel so necessary and important. One day, there will be an even louder, stronger buzzing of little voices and  even more sets of eyes and ears. More people to impress with fresh warm cookies and  fingers desperate to grasp sippy cups of oh-so-important juice. Books and cuddles and rocking chairs and trips to the library and the zoo and all sorts of new discovery. I get it now, all those crazy women trying to marry up their kids and clamoring for grandchildren. Their arms and hearts are aching to be completely necessary again. The wonder, once you have experienced it, of sharing every little thing with someone is what it's all about. There's your meaning of life, right there.

     You're welcome.

May Cara Box Swap: Regional

     In May I participated again in the Cara box exchange. The theme was regional and we were to send things to our new friend which are from our area. I got to give things to a fellow Ohioan, and was concerned she may not be as excited as someone would from another area. But Nicole is so sweet and happy with everything that it didn't matter. I did try to get things from my part of Ohio vs. the area where  she lives. 

     I got a fun box from my new friend Angie from Utah. She offered to send me a Morman (kidding) but when I asked for clarification on whether or not he would clean my house she realized it might not work out. She sent me some Salt Water Taffy, which I love. I almost sent some to Nicole, so that was funny to me. She also sent some green jello. Apparently people in Utah eat more green jello than anywhere else in the U.S. She sent some fry sauce which my kids thought was weird. Until they tasted it. They like it! Creamy honey was included, too. I love local honey from all over, so this was an exceptionally great gift. The only reason I have not opened it yet is I have a new honey I just opened last week. Once I finish more of it I will dive into this one. We are big honey eaters. And last, she sent root beer extract. I guess in rootbeer must go well with green jello. I look forward to trying the extract. I might make an ice cream or a freeze of some kind with it as the first trial with it. We also happen to be big fans of rootbeer. If I had to choose a favorite item from this box it would be a difficult 4-way tie. 

Cara Box Swap. Regional from Utah. Watermelon and bread box not included.

God Bless America

Tomorrow is Memorial Day. I love every excuse to wave the flag, and this is no exception. I was excited when Decor Steals was selling these tea stained buntings the other day so I grabbed six to put on the front of the house. I  will tell you it was like waiting for Christmas waiting for these to arrive. They finally did yesterday! I ran to the store and bought fishing weights to try to help them stay down. Last year I had one and it kept flinging itself upwards with the wind. The fishing weights are applied to all but one now. I had to stop to take a crummy picture with my cell phone to show you the first idea which sprang to mind when I opened them yesterday.

Aprons!

Decor Steals Tea Stained U.S. Flag Bunting - Apron

I wish I had ordered twice as many as I did. It's either super clever, pretty weird, or both.

And then I put them on Audrey. (Yes, I've dubbed the house "Audrey") Doesn't she look lovely?

House with Bunting From Decor Steals

O-Cedar, O-Duster, Oh What a Disapointment

     Like any good housewife with 1400+ sq feet of hardwood floors on the main level of her house, two shih tzus, and five kids I could use a little help keeping up with my floors. Can you say doggie tumbleweed? I knew you could! Imagine my excitement when I learned O-Cedar had come up with a little robot vac made for dust and doggie hair! I can turn it on every night and let it do what it does best.

     I ran out to the two local stores listed on the website as carrying it. Neither of them had it. So I waited and stalked the stores. Friday I was at Target, and what appears before me at the end of the isle with hangers and closet accessories? The O-Duster! I imagined we were in a field of wildflowers, just the O-Duster and I, running towards each other. I scooped it up with enthusiasm, and extra little cloths for it, too. I felt so triumphant loading this little housewife's helper of a miracle into my minivan! 

     My life a little bit more complete than when I woke up that day, I took it home and asked my daughter to plug it in and charge it for me. Yesterday I got up, swept the floors, and put the O-Duster down to see what it could do. I put it in the dining room, in the kitchen, at the bottom of the stairs, in the powder room, in the front room. I carried it all over. And this is what it did:

     Silly, silly me. Only now do I notice their own you-tube video is not a real video of a real product doing real moving and real cleaning, but a sort of cartoon. I'm glad I saved the box because O-Duster is going back to Target. I can not tell you how disappointed I am. I am tempted to trade it for another in case a second one would be better.

*In case you wondered, we did try nudging it a bit to see if it would take off, but it would not. It just spins.

Update: I went back today to exchange it for another one. I had posted to their facebook page and they told me to contact customer service, who offered to send new wheels to see if it helped as an option. Their other option was exchange it at the store. I am impatient so I exchanged it. It's charging overnight so I'll see how it behaves tomorrow. 

2nd Update: The second one seemed fine when I turned it on. In less than five minutes it was doing the same thing.  I did get it from the same place. The dented box I did not choose the first day was the one I had to choose when I did the exchange. I really wanted this to work.

The Arcade: No Pennies

     The other night my daughter had concert tickets for Capital Cities at House of Blues in Cleveland and a car problem. So I told her we would give her a ride into the thriving metropolis of Cleveland and grab a bite and enjoy ourselves By pretending to be city folk for a night. She invited her sister to the concert so it was a foursome for dinner. Since their concert was at the House of Blues, we decided to eat there as well. We sat down and got our menus. They were changed, and a little selections were a little disappointing. After a minute I thought of suggesting we go somewhere else. Everyone else seemed okay with it, so I decided to just roll with it. The menu might have been disappointing, but the food itself was fantastic! This is so much better than a great menu with disappointing food.

     The girls left through the magical door and we sat for a while talking about the things we talk about these days while my husband had his coffee. After that we walked down 4th street until we got to the point where the wind attacks, and turned around and walked back the other way. We decided to go to Chocolate Bar, which people say is fantastic. I ordered the chocolate lava cake and my husband ordered cocoa. I have to say, for all the hype about the Chocolate Bar, I was wholly underwhelmed. My chocolate lava cake was probably bought froze and prepared on site, it was served with half a strawberry, a chocolate straw with a few chocolate shavings, some whipped cream which may or may not have been from a can, and a little frozen chocolate eclair identical to the ones from the freezer at Sam's club. So basically, I think they make nothing themselves. I could have had the same stuff at home. I have a membership to Sam's club. My husband didn't finish his cocoa. It is difficult to disappoint us with chocolate, but I have had better desserts at Don Pablo's. 

     The best part about having had dessert in the Chocolate Bar was the little door leading into the Arcade. I told my husband we should walk around in there, where it would not be windy and cold. We thought we might find a comfortable place to sit, as well. The Arcade is pretty neat, as we were about to find out.

     The Arcade was opened on Memorial Day in 1890. It was financed By John D. Rockefeller, among others, as one of the earliest indoor shopping malls in the United States. Ladies and gentlemen, it is pretty awesome. 

The Arcade, Cleveland Ohio

The staircase is beautiful. The whole thing reminds me of being on a ship, somehow. Old fashioned, elegant, and full of razzle-dazzle!

Starbucks at The Arcade

 The Starbucks at night is not big and bright... deep in the heart of the Arcade.

The Arcade

     Isn't she lovely? We walked around for a good long time, inspecting, window shopping, and taking pictures. It's a good thing we stopped in at the Chocolate Bar, because the entrance to the Arcade is locked at night. As soon as we got outside we realized why. We stepped outside and were approached by a man, who sounded a lot like Gary Busey sometimes sounded on The Apprentice. He eventually got down to asking for money. Which, of course, we did  not have because we had given our last few dollars to the valet. Sorry, man, we just don't have any cash at all. I had even removed all the coins from my purse earlier in the day. On the walk to our valet stand we were intercepted two more times by people asking for money. It's such an uncomfortable thing sometimes, being a human being.

Pretend You're Normal

"Pretend you're normal!" I used to say to my kids often. When they were little, and driving me a bit more batty than I could take at the moment. Or when we were being goofy and needed to straighten up right away  for whatever door we were about to walk through. I wonder if they remember being told so often to pretend to be normal.

A few weeks ago my doctor told me to quit apologizing for who I am. Then she clarified, because she had to, that I needed to quit apologizing to myself for who I am. Since then, I have seen quite a few messages in my day-to-day life which remind me of what she said. They remind me I need to accept who I am, and how I am. Then I watched the finale and the reunion show for Survivor and I saw Cochran was going through the same thing. Embracing who he is instead of being ashamed of it. Instead of being afraid of judgement for being who he was, which, ironically, made him who he is now, which is different. Somehow letting go of the fear of judgement makes us able to be our pure selves. It's not just animals who can smell fear.

Yesterday, while out shopping at Home Goods, I saw this sign. So many thoughts ran though my head:

• I can make that sign myself. 
• The one I make will not look good enough, I should buy this one
• realization of the ridiculousness of the sentiment of the sign vs. my previous thought
• Remembering, after Victoria died, saying to someone "I'm just going to offer myself and my friendship. Here I am with all my flaws, loving you"
• Remembering my cousin's response to me saying this

And now, remembering how I always thought Victoria's middle name should have been Grace, because she was full of it.  And how when I first met her and asked her about her beliefs she told me "I'm saved by grace"

Yes, now this sign is on my ever-growing list of things I am going to make myself. It will not be perfect. It will make me perfectly happy.

There are still times when I contend it is good to pretend your are normal. But we should all learn to embrace what makes us who we are. Maybe I need to blast "Take Me As I am" from some speakers today, as a reminder to embrace myself. (Nod to young punk #4)

The Police On Broadway

Sting is not impressed

     I was walking around the store the other day... When the speakers overhead started pushing out King of Pain by The Police. Every time King of Pain starts I initially think it's going to be On Broadway and I'm in my head already feeling the magic in my air against the inside of my throat. I'm giving myself such an intimate concert while pushing my cart I can't believe a crowd hasn't encircled me, beating on cowbells and dancing. Then I hear it, the voice of Sting himself, relating the sunspot situation, and I'm always a little crushed. But I've been there before, inside the pouring rain, so I just sing along to the song by The Police, and curse myself for not knowing better by now. "Bye, Broadway," I wave sadly with a sniffle. 

     Somewhere out there, I know there has to be at least one other person like me, right?  

Hometalk Meetup at Luckett's Market!

     I have always wanted to go to Luckett's when they have a big to-do. They are having one this year on May 19th. That is next weekend! And I just found this way to win a trip to Luckett's Market, so I'm asking for your help

I will definitely SMILE a lot if I win.

     In order to be entered to win I need ten people to sign up for a new account (it's free, of course) at Hometalk and follow me here: Tammi on Hometalk

     I know it's asking a lot, but then again, it will only take a minute of your time and think about how good you'll feel about yourself if I win! I mean, your own selfless act will be the only way I have a chance. So really, they should send you too. But life isn't fair that way. If you want a chance to win then you have to blog about it and get ten people to sign up for you. Then I will be home because you won. And that is not fair either. So really, the whole thing is no fair, but it could be so great!

After all that smiling I might find a place to sit, still smiling. 

     I really want to go to Luckett's, like for real. I got to see it once. Sort of. We had gone to Washington D.C. and on the way home we took an extended detour to Luckett's. Except by the time we got there it was closing in a few minutes. I did get to see Miss Mustard Seed's room upstairs, while she had a room, so that was cool. Now I would L-O-V-E to go and see her in person, and that is the main #1 reason I would love to win!  It's not just at Luckett's (so cool) but Marion (Miss Mustard Seed) will be there AND Donna, from Funky Junk Interiors (swoon!)  So much amazing all bunched up together! Oh, and did I mention The Graphics Fairy will be there, too? No? Well, yes, Karen will also be at the Hometalk Meetup!

If you know me well, you know this is my kind of place!

     Now, a whole day (at least) at Luckett's, Marion, Donna, Karen, probably lots of other awesome people, and I'm also betting on learning a lot. What better way to spend a weekend? I can't think of one.

Can you spot the treasure you would want?

     Hometalk is the largest online home & garden knowledge hub. It’s fueled by the firsthand experience & advice of hundreds of thousands of home enthusiasts and professionals. (taken right from the horses' mouth, so to speak) And this is what makes it so great. It's sort of like Pinterest, but better, when it comes to home stuff. Whether you are looking for inspiration or you need guidance, you can find it at Hometalk.

     So, yes, this is where I beg. Please, please, pretty please with sugar on top go sign up at Hometalk and follow me:  Tammi on Hometalk.

     Don't worry about being new on Homtalk, I'm kind of new there myself. I signed up a while ago, and had not used it much yet. But that's okay, there's plenty of time for me to use Hometalk. And I like it because it feels a bit more intimate than pinterest. People are really there to find new things and answer questions, give advice, and be supportive. Who doesn't appreciate all of those things?

     Sorry if I seem fidgety. It's because I am fidgety. I was, just yesterday, routing the trip to Luckett's for the Big Spring Market and maybe I was checking out Priceline to see what hotels deals were near Luckett's. Then I decided that since I just boogied on down to Louisville to see Leonard, maybe, just maybe it was not cool of me to even want to do this. (It still does not stop me from wanting to do it, though!)

     Did you already sign up and follow me on Hometalk? Did you? Huh? If you already did, give yourself a huge hug from me. And allow yourself an extra treat, because being nice burns calories.

I Raised My Kids, Now What?

     My first job, while I was in high school, was at a place called "Barker's Jubilation" at the Mall. It was a restaurant, game room, and bar with a dance floor. I was hired to keep control of the game room. Keep the machines clean, make popcorn, deal with whatever issues came up, and clean up the popcorn everyone spilled all over the floor. Pretty simple job. My boss would usually find me, game room ship-shape, popcorn popped, reading a book. He decided I was bored and under-tasked, so he moved me out to the cash register to be a greeter/hostess/cashier/game room attendant. Now I realize I should have asked for a raise! It was a cool job but one of the managers was always in the office with one of the other managers in a "Do not disturb" kind of way. One night after closing, cleaning up, and counting out my drawer they never came out to check it and tell me I could go. When I finally went to ask them about it they told me they needed privacy and sent me away. 

     I went downstairs to the payphone to call home. I couldn't be out past my allotted time and I knew this was going to blow it for me. On the other end of the phone I was told to just get home. So I went upstairs, got my stuff, and left.  I went the next day and got a job somewhere else. 

     After high school I worked at the I.R.S. in a very non-glamorous job in the refiles annex. Right up until the morning I went to the hospital to have my first baby. I stayed home with her, mostly. I mean, when money got more pinchy than usual I would deliver pizzas or sell Tupperware, but mostly I was home with her, and then the rest of the kids. 

     Three or four years ago, now that the kids are all big, I applied for a job as a glorified receptionist with an accounting firm. For the first time in my life I did not get the job. It was humiliating. It still is! But in that interview the guy said to me "Why don't you just babysit?" What? Because I un-apologetically  said I did not regret for a minute the choice I made to stay home with my kids? So I'm not 'good enough' to enter your work force since stayed home raising my kids and giving up luxuries which other people don't consider luxuries?

     We all decide. I know people who say they  couldn't take it if they had to stay home with their kids. They decide to work because it helps them stay sane, they say. I have a difficult time trusting people and I could have never been sane leaving my kids with strangers. There's no car on the road which could have justified that in my mind. Because all day, every day, I would have been wondering what was happening with my kids. Were they happy? Sad? Playing? Crying? Napping? Eating like they should? And when my kids were little I did a lot of babysitting for people who did want to work, so hopefully they could feel comfortable about their own kids while they were away. 

     But here I am, with great big kids, no grandchildren yet. So what am I supposed to do at this stage of life? Hobbies? I like to paint stuff (not walls) and I do, but there's only so much of that I want to do. I do not have enough energy to do what I want to do on any given day, so lots of things need to be done around my house. Even if I had energy, my husband works from home. Babysitting is out, even if I wanted to do it. 

     What do you do when you're done raising kids but there's nothing new on the horizon? Should I sit around and turn into one of those meddling mothers who is always looking for a husband for her daughter and a wife for her sons and complain about not having grandchildren yet? Do I start reading romance novels? Do I garden? None of these things seem like something I want to do. Who has been here? Who knows how to point me in the right direction? Surely I can not be the only one. But it sure feels like it. 

Cara Box: Let's Go Green For April

     I tried something new this month. I joined in with some bloggers doing a Cara box. You make a couple new friends, send gifts based on a theme, and share encouragement. The person you send a box to is not the same person who sends a box to you. (This is how it's a couple new friends, instead of just one) The theme for April was "Go Green" since April contains Earth Day. Well, Go Green was proving pretty difficult for me, considering your box is supposed to have at least 5 items and be around $15. Five thoughtful, eco-friendly gifts at an average of $3 each? Luckily, I found out I wasn't the only one who found it difficult. When I threw the $15 idea out the door, it got a bit easier. For May the theme is: Let's Get Regional. You send things from your area. Well, I have a lot of Amish close by me, and Smucker's headquarters & gift shop is a few minutes from my house.  It sounds like fun.

Here is what I got in my Go Green Box from Sweet Ashlee:

     She sent me a double-walled plastic mason jar with a lid & straw combo! Can you see by the wooden box I made (in the background) full of heritage Ball mason jars that I'm a fan of mason jars? (By the way, you can buy those 1 quart jars from Amazon right now for a limited time, if that's your kind of thing.

     She also included a sweet note plus another card with the contents listed. There is a soy candle, which will go by my bathtub. I love long soaks by candlelight. There's a little pot with wildflower seeds, (really a great idea!) organic lip balm, 2 all natural face masks, (I can't wait to try those!) and some Yardley soap, which is always popular in our house. She even included some All natural granola dog treats for my two little dogs! I think Ashlee did a great job with the April theme and with things our family will actually use.

     It was so much fun getting to know Mandi,  too. After I got over the "This is difficult" roadblock I think I found a silly thing, a local thing, and a few girly things for her. I'm pretty happy with what I sent her, even though there are only 5 items in the box.

     Now for the confession. I sent my Cara box to Mandi late. And I had reasons, all valid. But I think I'm going to get kicked out of the clubhouse because the rules are really set and if you don't send the box by the 20th you're out. It's even more embarrassing because my theme was chosen for May. So I'll be digging my hole right over there. Drop by with a shovel and help me if you feel like it.

Pittsburgh, PA

     My first two days in Pittsburgh, the ones when I wasn't vomiting violently, were actually pretty. Well, and the third morning. That fateful morning I took a walk alone, through the University area. Okay, I walked a few blocks of Forbes Avenue. Anyway, it was gorgeous.

     The buildings in Pittsburgh were impressive. I would love to go take a ton of pictures with something other than an iPhone one day. There was a lot to see. I stayed mostly in the hotel. When I left it was in the shuttle or on foot. Shuttle drivers scare me. At one point ours yelled out "RUN THEM OVER!" while honking his horn. Apparently he does not care if the Penguins fans are walking to the game from their scattered parking areas, he wants them out of the way, period. My feet took me as far as they would take me, which wasn't far. 

Pittsburgh, University Circle - Lots of Tulips 

Pittsburgh, University Circle

Pittsburgh Athletic Building, or so it said.

Walking in a campus building area, looking towards the Soldiers and Sailors Memorial Hall.

Walking along Forbes Ave., there are so many interesting buildings. Pittsburgh is beautiful! 

Take Comfort

     I went to the doctor today for my yearly physical. A little late, but she didn't seem concerned. I start by telling her she might not be happy to hear what I was about to tell her and it may well get me put in the 'bad patient' column. I told her in Sept/Oct I stopped taking my medications. I had one for thyroid, one for migraines, and one for anxiety.  She told me, of course, I need to take my thyroid medication. And I do not disagree. As a matter of fact I would not have disagreed had she written prescriptions for everything again. She made sure I had migraine medication. Then she started asking the questions I did not know how to answer. 

     How am I doing with my anxiety? I answered honestly, by telling her I don't know. I don't feel any better than before, but I don't feel any worse, either. She asked a few more questions. Then she asked me something I never thought anyone would ever ask me. "Are you an introvert?"  I think I laughed as I said "No, I don't think so. I enjoy public speaking, I enjoy people, crowds, etc. Just not all the time. I also require a lot of peaceful time. And yes, alone time."  We talked some more and I told her by the definition of introvert she had just provided, I was an introvert. 

     My doctor is such a great fit for me. I think I admit things to her I feel like I can't go around just saying to people. Like how I feel irritated a lot. And how I know it's not really the issue of the people around me who do things which irritate me. I realize the issue is firmly, solely mine. I own  it. And although I mostly do not fill anyone in on the irritations I feel because they are being normal humans, I feel guilty about them anyway.  And then there is the guilt I feel because I don't do enough. Because I have this beautiful new home which is never clean enough.  She asked if it bothered everyone else in the house. No. Not really. Just me. And the thing is she gets it. She shares some of the feelings. The feelings of overstimulated and overwhelmed. We talked about coping with it in small ways to help ourselves feel better and feel happy, and also sort of escape it. It can be as simple as drowning out what is going on with our favorite music & our trusty headphones. 

     Then she told me I need to quit apologizing for who I am. I, of course, countered by telling her I don't really go around apologizing to people about this. Because I try to hide my 'issues'. She told me I needed to quit apologizing to myself for who I am. I think I get it. But it's a lot easier to accept other people for who they are than think it's okay to feel this irritated by a dog who wont stop scratching or people having the nerve to chew their food in my presence. At the actual table. Right? 

     I don't have the patience problems normal people have. I can stand in line a long time and be alright with it. Because there are new people to meet and babies to watch and smile at and songs to hear. I do not care if my doctor runs an hour behind because I know she is great and it just means someone really needed her. I respect it because it means she took the time to be there for them. I don't mind listening to my husband tell the story I have heard a hundred times because there is something so intimate about having the privilege of being the one who gets to hear it so much. But please don't make me listen to you  brush your teeth.

    

    The doctor said I should watch this TED video: 

     So I watched it. I enjoyed it. I hope you do too. 

     I'm not sure why I shared this today. There's no real point to telling the whole world about it. Except to say if you feel like some or all of this, you are not alone. And some times that is enough; that comfort of knowing you aren't the only one. 

Tax Day 2013 - Glad It Is Over!

Yesterday was one of those crazy-busy days I almost never have. Seriously, I:

• Paid bills
• filed federal taxes
• filed state taxes
• took my daughter to the doctor 
• went to my own doctor's office 
• had lunch with my daughter, which was so nice 
• stopped in Aldi's for refried beans, which they didn't have. So I bought trees and rosebushes and cheese. (Don't judge.) 
• stopped for one gallon of gas. (judge, don't judge - who am I to judge?)
• went to town hall
• went to the appliance store 
• sent my daughter next door to Time Warner Cable to inquire about bad remote
• stopped and looked at some hand painted furniture
• went to the library
• went to the hardware store
• got gas (for the van) with my discount!
• washed the van
• did my city taxes
• ran to the post office
• Went to my cousin's house for baby snuggles
• Brought the baby and another cutie home with me
• Answered emails, responded to facebook items, texted my mom
• made something to eat
• Sat and talked with my kids about this and that. 
• texted something sweet about my cousin's girls to my mom
• snuggled puppies
• hummed Leonard Cohen songs throughout everything

If this is what days are like for most people most of the time, you can keep it! I felt like I did a lot in the day, but man... it was a blur. 

Never before have I waited to file taxes like this. And we bought a house this year, so the taxes were not as simple as before. You know how it is... you do things forever and you know what you're doing, but throw in college and home buying and the taxes change. Then add city taxes, which I almost forgot about completely. It got a little nerve-wracking yesterday. 

Today is for resting, maybe baking, painting some furniture. I want one hot dry day so I can rip the registers out on the main floor and give them a good blast of oil rubbed bronze spray paint. Everything else in the house is oil rubbed bronze, but the registers are that odd not-quite-beige color. The registers upstairs and in the basement are in the ceilings and are white, so the main floor is the only place I need to fix.

The Things We Remember

One hot day in Austin, I was driving around with my four young children. At the time their ages were probably from two to seven. I had recently become an executive manager with Tupperware, which afforded my family the company car: A 1995 Dodge Caravan.  We were all thrilled to have a big brand new van to drive. The kids, who had been in attendance when it was presented to me, were still excited.

From the seat behind me I hear one of the pipsqueaks pipe up "Who loves mommy because she sells Tupperware!?!?!" and all of them answered, in chorus "I do! I do! Meeeee!" while all of their hands shot up into the air. 

It's funny, the things we remember. This is one of my favorites. 

You Can Quote Me On This One

Act the way you'd like to be and soon you'll be the way you act.
Leonard Cohen 

Prayer is translation. A man translates himself into a child asking for all there is in a language he has barely mastered.
Leonard Cohen 

An error does not become truth by reason of multiplied propagation, nor does truth become error because nobody sees it.
Mahatma Gandhi 

Prayer is not asking. It is a longing of the soul. It is daily admission of one's weakness. It is better in prayer to have a heart without words than words without a heart.
Mahatma Gandhi 

Grief is the price we pay for love.
Queen Elizabeth II 

I spent three days a week for 10 years educating myself in the 

public library, and it's better than college. People should educate themselves - you can get a complete education for no money. At the end of 10 years, I had read every book in the library and I'd written a thousand stories.
Ray Bradbury 


I probably love thousands of quotes, but these are a few of my personal favorites. 

I Really Have No Idea

There's no good way I can think of to introduce this. It's comments I left on other blogs. Great blogs. You'll see.

Just now: 

"We didn’t so much play tag, but woe be to the one who knocked chocolate after a fart. Please tell me I’m not the only one who understands this."  

@ http://www.mamakatslosinit.com/2013/04/rules-of-tag

I grew up in an area which was not so much a neighborhood. Lots were big and driveways were long. But the house nearest ours had twin girls my age. The only people in the age group to be found for a long while, except during sometimes when a local celebrity would bring his brood to summer across the street. Lynn and Lori Pipes may be the only two people in the world who 'get' this, wherever they are. 

"Oh my gosh! That is one of the most beautiful children I have ever seen who isn't one of mine. So of course the question begs to be answered: Can I have her?"   @http://tamaralikecamera.blogspot.com/2013/04/make-little-birdhouse-in-your-soul.html

You have to go see her blog. Her wee ones are adorable, she takes amazing photographs, and she writes to your heart.

"If your family doesn't feel finished nothing else much matters. As my husband always likes to say to me "There are ways and ways.
Which simply means your kids will find ways to go to college no matter what. Even if you can't pay for it for them. Lots of kids work their own way through or take out loans for ALL of it, out of necessity. And lots of kids know to work for scholarships. 
I think we all like to think if we don't do anything to upset the delicate balance of life when it is good and easy then it will stay this way forever. But tomorrow something unexpected could happen to change it all forever anyway. Trust God, yourselves, and the universe to know it will all be okay. 
Gosh I miss baby chub."   

@ http://allmyhappyendings.blogspot.com/2013/03/just-one-more.html

She's beautiful, sweet, and writes another heartfelt blog. 

"That house was adorable, and I was always jealous of your curved wall. We built a brand new house, and while it's lovely in a million happy ways, there are no curves. 
Your house was so 'you' and that made it a super-cool-party-people house. But the house you find and fall in love with, the one big enough for the whole Luke + Erin clan, will turn into a new, somehow even better version of 'you' and be even more amazing than the cute little house with the curved wall. And in this house your kids will bring all their friends, you will watch crowds grow up, you guys will plant stuff and watch it grow for decades, maybe. The kids will claim their spaces - the ones in which they will go through all the different phases of life. 
It's been almost a year for us and I still mourn my old house a little bit. Not the house itself, which I did not love at all. I mourn the place where the house sat, the view of town hall, the romance of living right at the center of the smallest town in the U.S.A. The one where everyone even knows your dog's name. 
Wow, Erin, I just came here this morning to say I miss your words all over this page. And when I did, to my happy surprise, there were new words from you on this page. And it made my heart so happy to hear from you again."

@ http://www.swonderland.net/2013/01/sorting.html

If you have never read Erin's blog, you should. It's my favorite blog in the world. I have a lot of others which vie for spot #2. Erin seems like a truly kindred spirit and oh so very real. I have this feeling if I went digging through family trees I would find a connection.

"Oh my gosh! You poor thing, you're as crazy as all the rest of us. So you're normal. Embrace the crazy because it's here to stay. (although it seems like you are already embracing it) Not exactly reassuring, but what are you gonna do? Once Gracie is older, and she starts getting her personality in full bloom, well... Let's just say you wont have as much time to be afraid of this stuff because you'll be afraid that if she rolls her eyes at you one more time today you might be tempted to ship her off to boarding school, which God knows none of us can afford. So you'll be busier worrying about how to pay for boarding school and you'll have less time to focus on lint spiders and cabinet people. Trust me, I was a full-on basket case when my first daughter was born. Butas she turned into her own person with her own attitudes,(and don't even get me started about my 2nd daughter and her attitudes) I was faced with new fears like "Gosh, I hope I don't lose my temper with her when she gets back up out of bed one hundred and nineteen times after I put her to bed tonight." 
Okay, okay. I'm Tammi and I leave long comments. So sue me. 
p.s. You are adorable. You'll be 'fine'. Whatever that means."

@ http://www.thericefamilyblog.com/2013/03/you-are-being-irrational.html

This is a blog I just found and she's young, has a new baby, and also 'writes real'. 

Would you like me to perform some rites of absolution for you? I mean, we could involve chocolate, ice cream, and possibly a fruity drink.It’s easy to forgive other people. It’s hard to forgive yourself. Do you trust yourself? The person you are now? If so, you have already forgiven yourself but you forgot to send the part of you which holds guilt the memo.

@ http://www.thekircorner.com/2013/03/pardon-me-mama-kats-writing-workshop
Another newly found blog, but she also writes real. Sometimes in the world of blogs it's hard to find, so I treasure it.

Go on now, go read their blogs.