I know you play in your closet a lot because it makes you feel safer. Something about being unseen brings you great comfort. I have heard you wish there was a closet inside your closet. I have heard you wish you could die. I know your nightmares are not limited to sleeping hours. I know they dance around in your head all the time. You're always scared, even when things are 'okay' because you know how precarious 'okay' is. You never know who you can trust. You especially never know 'for how long'.
I know you watch people, and try to interact in ways which let them know you like them, without ever really belonging. Because belonging, as you know, is not so great. I know you love those people who you do not trust. You love them very much. And then sometimes you wish they would die. Because you hate them, too. I've heard you vow to never, ever, ever let those people see you cry. Sometimes you can't help it and it makes you mad at yourself. Then you make that vow again, with even more resolve.
Maybe you don't think about yourself alone. Maybe you think about siblings. I know this makes it even more difficult. You can't decide whether you would rather protect them at your own peril, which you know is futile anyway, or stay as far away as possible. I know you don't trust anyone. I do not blame you. But I still want you to know something.
One day, if you create your life carefully, this will all feel like someone else's life you read about in a book. You'll empathize, sympathize, and maybe shed a tear for the characters, but you will be able to be out of that story. So now you have to do the thing other people were not able to do for you. You have to make good choices. You have to behave as if you deserve only the best people in your life. You have to treat yourself as if you are precious and your own well being is the most important thing there is. Because it is. You have to cling to whatever good you can and fight away the rest with those swords of resolve you have created. You can do it, because if life has given you one gift, it is resolve wrapped around strength. Exercise it in every situation. Wield it like a deadly weapon.
I am on your side. And even though it doesn't feel like it, so is most of the world. Right now, while you are in the middle of chaos, I tell you it is possible for you to do this. Please, believe me. Please know there are others who made it. You can make it, too.
Here's another person who made it through. She realizes how the story moves away from front and center of your heart, to a more long-term storage. Read what she says here.
*If you or someone you know is suffering abuse there are many places to turn. Here is a list of a few: