Five Things You Should Never Say To Your Mother

Five things you should never say to your mother: (especially if your mother is me)

1. "What's for dinner?" 

      Reason: Self explanatory.  (And under penalty of death) 

     Substitute Instead: "Can I make dinner?"

2. Anything starting with the words "Did you buy me that... already?"

    Reason: If I already had it I would have given it to you.

    Substitute Instead:  "I would like to remind you..."

3. Things starting with  "Where is my.... ?" or "Have you seen my...?"

    Reason: I am not your mother. (Okay, I am, but still.)

    Substitute: Look with your eyes, not your mouth.

4. "No, (implied sorry,) we did not make any for you." 

     Reason: If you are cooking for yourself in my kitchen with my food you should offer me some.

     Substitute: "Mom, we are making some eggs and sausage. Should we include you?"

5. "I did not buy you a ticket to the Leonard Cohen concert I am attending."

    Reason: You might not make it out alive.

    Substitute: "Pack your polka dotted shirt, Mom! I am taking you to see Leonard Cohen!"