Today the list says I should write a letter to myself. But I don't feel like it. If I did it today it would be a mess, anyway. So I'm not doing it.
Yesterday morning I was going through the list of blog buttons at Funnel Full of Soup and when I saw one I hadn't been to in a long time, I clicked. When I got to her blog there was an odd post where giveaways belong. After a minute it started to sink in. She died. There were lots of comments, so I started reading. She committed suicide. I read comments - some even written by her own mother and niece and just sort of felt stunned.
Then I turned on the television. A house in Hinckley had exploded and blasted clear off the foundation. It was a big fireball. The elderly couple who lived there were inside. Their dog was found later, a little bloody but okay. The people were not so lucky. Turns out she had been a teacher at the middle school until she retired. From all accounts a well-loved couple, the Martins are now dead in yet another tragedy for our community.
We had a family upheaval at dinner last night, too. Everyone was upset. Everyone. Things are okay, because we make the effort to work on issues together, but having kids who are 18-24 can be pretty difficult some days. Each one is so different, so much their own person with their own strengths and their own problems. I still have days where I hardly feel equipped to deal with myself, let alone anyone else. Does anyone else ever feel like that? Like these people look to me to be way more than I am?
Because all I am is a person with all my own foibles and more experience than they have. A person so stunted it can not be measured. A person who loves them so deeply there aren't words to describe it. A person who wants it all to be perfect for them so they can be perfect so their lives can be perfect and they can be happy. Is this too much to ask?
And these are good kids by any standards. I can't imagine what it would be like if they were not. God, in his wisdom, sent me children who have been able to teach me so much, without it being too much.
I'm still learning.
Yesterday morning I was going through the list of blog buttons at Funnel Full of Soup and when I saw one I hadn't been to in a long time, I clicked. When I got to her blog there was an odd post where giveaways belong. After a minute it started to sink in. She died. There were lots of comments, so I started reading. She committed suicide. I read comments - some even written by her own mother and niece and just sort of felt stunned.
Then I turned on the television. A house in Hinckley had exploded and blasted clear off the foundation. It was a big fireball. The elderly couple who lived there were inside. Their dog was found later, a little bloody but okay. The people were not so lucky. Turns out she had been a teacher at the middle school until she retired. From all accounts a well-loved couple, the Martins are now dead in yet another tragedy for our community.
We had a family upheaval at dinner last night, too. Everyone was upset. Everyone. Things are okay, because we make the effort to work on issues together, but having kids who are 18-24 can be pretty difficult some days. Each one is so different, so much their own person with their own strengths and their own problems. I still have days where I hardly feel equipped to deal with myself, let alone anyone else. Does anyone else ever feel like that? Like these people look to me to be way more than I am?
Because all I am is a person with all my own foibles and more experience than they have. A person so stunted it can not be measured. A person who loves them so deeply there aren't words to describe it. A person who wants it all to be perfect for them so they can be perfect so their lives can be perfect and they can be happy. Is this too much to ask?
And these are good kids by any standards. I can't imagine what it would be like if they were not. God, in his wisdom, sent me children who have been able to teach me so much, without it being too much.
I'm still learning.
Hi! Stopping by from MBC. Great blog.
ReplyDeleteHave a nice day!
Sending you the biggest hug I can through cyber-space. Hoping that today finds you with a smile :)
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