Saturday, April 18, 2009

The iPhone, The Finger, and Notes Passed In High School

Let me start by saying: Mom, please do not read this. You'll totally freak out. And you'll hurt your knees. Because you'll be on your knees praying for not only Zach's soul, but the soul of some girl at his high school who remains nameless. (Only because I don't know who it is) I was going to start a new blog and get a whole new internet identity so you would not be subjected to the temptation to go on after I begged you not to read this. But that is a lot of effort. So stop. Just stop.

So, anyway. For the rest of you. Here is the last 30 minutes of my life:

Call my cousin who is like a sister to me. Especially since neither of us had a sister. Leave a message for her asking which day she is mainly spending with the extended family because I want to be sure and do the same, to have some method of escape. And also so I can see her totally adorable girls, with whom I have formed an extreme mutual admiration society.

Since she didn't answer her phone I supposed she was in the car, or someplace like Macaroni Grill where she couldn't hear it ring. Or else she was shopping, in which case she would just let it ring. So I called her husband. He would be bored if they were shopping and gratefully answer his phone. Or so I thought. His phone rolled over to voice mail and all I could think (and comment to my husband) was "Hey, maybe they managed to get to have sex" because that is the only reason I could think of why two married people would both not answer their phones at the same time.

We lamented our own inability to have sex whenever we wanted because our house is full of 16-23 year olds ALL THE TIME. And I remember the note my son begged me to read left on his dresser the other day. I decided this was as good a time as any to share what I had read. Now, don't get mad at me - I did not write this note. I was merely an innocent reader. (Mother, if you're still reading I am really, really, reeeeaaaally sorry, but I warned you).

So the highlight of the note was that this girl said if my son died she would "Totally finger myself to death" basically so she could go marching right into death with him. There were a few mentions about how horny she is. Now, I asked my son, poor innocent thing that he is, who wrote this note. I knew it was not the handwriting of his long-time girlfriend, and also not her writing style, as far as I know. I've happened across a couple of her notes to him and there were pretty much puppies and unicorns and rainbows. He tells me this is a very old note, like from freshman year. I am not impressed. He throws a name at me, which he probably got from whatever was on television at the time, and I gave him the skeptical stink eye.

This is where I take a moment to say that I'm sure the contents of this note shocked my poor teenage son as much as they shocked the rest of us. It is not - I repeat, it is NOT his fault this deranged girl wrote such things to him. More importantly, we normally do not have conversations of this type in this house. But just like the way your young children will find the worst possible time, situation, and context to say a certain thing, today happened.

Oh, but if only that was the end of the story.

I decided to try once again to call my cousin-sister person. Which is when I realized that pushing the little round button at the bottom of my iPhone did not end the call with her husband and I had left him a rather long message. With the help of my husband and son. About... guess what? So then I did end the call and my husband and I decided this was most embarrassing. We wondered if the recipient would be playing this message to my grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, out of town relatives and their relatives - who will all be at the family gathering I was calling about in the first place.

Then the phone rang. And we knew who it was because we are psychic like that. I can guess with pretty much 100% accuracy who will call me after I leave a several-minutes-long raunchy message on their phone. Pretty much anyone, that's who!

Anyway, I need to get ready so we can go. We are planning on rewarding my son with a new phone because, hey, the kid is pretty much an angel except for when he's not and he's got stellar grades. Also, he's an angel.

And now I can not look my mother in the eye for at least a month.


  1. Wow, what a long strange message that must have been. Of course you KNOW Tracy and I would have been rolling around laughing if we got it. And then we would have sent it to all our friends.

  2. Ok, I laughed my ass off..I suppose I'm allowed to say "ass" on your blog because you just talked about some pervert girl fingering herself to death over your son...all bets are off now.

    I suppose there's no one in this world I'd finger myself to death over..except, perhaps, Andy Garcia, so you should be proud of your son ;)

    Haha Caro, I just said the "A" word on Kitten's blog and you can't stop me.

  3. I wouldn't stop you because Tammi actually likes him and she is entitled to have ANDY GARCIA all over her blog. But he is still banned on mine. hee