So, anyway. For the rest of you. Here is the last 30 minutes of my life:
Call my cousin who is like a sister to me. Especially since neither of us had a sister. Leave a message for her asking which day she is mainly spending with the extended family because I want to be sure and do the same, to have some method of escape. And also so I can see her totally adorable girls, with whom I have formed an extreme mutual admiration society.
Since she didn't answer her phone I supposed she was in the car, or someplace like Macaroni Grill where she couldn't hear it ring. Or else she was shopping, in which case she would just let it ring. So I called her husband. He would be bored if they were shopping and gratefully answer his phone. Or so I thought. His phone rolled over to voice mail and all I could think (and comment to my husband) was "Hey, maybe they managed to get to have sex" because that is the only reason I could think of why two married people would both not answer their phones at the same time.
We lamented our own inability to have sex whenever we wanted because our house is full of 16-23 year olds ALL THE TIME. And I remember the note my son
So the highlight of the note was that this girl said if my son died she would "Totally finger myself to death" basically so she could go marching right into death with him. There were a few mentions about how horny she is. Now, I asked my son, poor innocent thing that he is, who wrote this note. I knew it was not the handwriting of his long-time girlfriend, and also not her writing style, as far as I know. I've happened across a couple of her notes to him and there were pretty much puppies and unicorns and rainbows. He tells me this is a very old note, like from freshman year. I am not impressed. He throws a name at me, which he probably got from whatever was on television at the time, and I gave him the skeptical stink eye.
This is where I take a moment to say that I'm sure the contents of this note shocked my poor teenage son as much as they shocked the rest of us. It is not - I repeat, it is NOT his fault this deranged girl wrote such things to him. More importantly, we normally do not have conversations of this type in this house. But just like the way your young children will find the worst possible time, situation, and context to say a certain thing, today happened.
Oh, but if only that was the end of the story.
I decided to try once again to call my cousin-sister person. Which is when I realized that pushing the little round button at the bottom of my iPhone did not end the call with her husband and I had left him a rather long message. With the help of my husband and son. About... guess what? So then I did end the call and my husband and I decided this was most embarrassing. We wondered if the recipient would be playing this message to my grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, out of town relatives and their relatives - who will all be at the family gathering I was calling about in the first place.
Then the phone rang. And we knew who it was because we are psychic like that. I can guess with pretty much 100% accuracy who will call me after I leave a several-minutes-long raunchy message on their phone. Pretty much anyone, that's who!
Anyway, I need to get ready so we can go. We are planning on rewarding my son with a new phone because, hey, the kid is pretty much an angel except for when he's not and he's got stellar grades. Also, he's an angel.
And now I can not look my mother in the eye for at least a month.