Tuesday, January 11, 2011

30 Days Of Truth, Day 3: Something You Have To Forgive Yourself For

     I know I need to forgive myself for being so irritable. Except I feel like I need to work on being so irritable, and it doesn't feel fair to forgive myself for it. As I sit here sort of tap-tap-tapping the keyboard I wonder what to share. Sure, there are things I could write here, but I wont. Some things just cut too deep, you know?

     I need to forgive myself for all the times I was too impatient with my children. The times I shouted. The times I stormed around angry because they wouldn't cooperate. The times I lost my cool because I really didn't know how to contain it. They way I thought I was well within my rights to rage against them when they wouldn't do what I wanted. They way I was a huge bully sometimes instead of a helpful, loving, teaching mom. The time I threw the hairbrush across the room. Or just slamming the kitchen cupboards. The times I should have been soft and sweet, but for the life of me I couldn't. All those wretched times.

     What hurts the most is knowing there are times I wont even remember, but they will. Because I think anyone who grew up with parents who got angry remembers incidents their parents do not. It makes me sad to know this. A very gut-wrenching kind of sad that doesn't let me breathe.

     The good news is the kids are still around. They didn't turn eighteen and scatter away as soon as they could. One of the girls moved into her own place when this fall semester started, but she's not disowned me yet! I managed to stop being such a screaming crazy freak a few years ago. I think mostly because of my husband, who is ever so patient and wonderful. He sets a fine example. Even so, forgiving myself for this may take a long time.

     I was just thinking yesterday about how now I realize why good grandparents are so amazing. It's because they know every little thing they did wrong and they know how to do better.

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